


Stars, Lights, and Fansites

by ufomoth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, alternative universe, famous!dave, ill add more tags as the story goes along, john is just a normal teen with low self esteem, like really slow burn, thicc tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-11 12:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7891348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ufomoth/pseuds/ufomoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider was a famous 17 year old singer from Texas, and despite never having met him, you loathe him with every fiber of your very being (well maybe not loathe - that's a strong word), so to get back at his hoard of his cultish fangirls, who seem to have a bizarre devotion to him, you slander him on one of his many fansites, angering the likes of many. Much to your great pleasure. (Hey everyone needs to troll once in a while! It's what the internet is for!)</p><p>But one day, when you end up meeting someone while trolling on a fansite with the chumhandle 'turntechGodhead', your life heads in a direction no one would ever expect - especially for a nobody like you. Not that you really complain, although it confuses the hell out of you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Introduction

Your name is John Egbert and you're tired of these shenanigans.

Ever since you could remember, you found Dave Strider to be an insufferable ass, and you will not succumb to his good looks or southern twang. Not when his personality was as awful as spoiled milk, if not worse. You weren't sure why your dear friend Rose was sending you his oh-so popular music videos. He was like Justin Bieber in his early days but worse, and with less views.

EB: why'd you send me this

TT: I thought you'd enjoy it. Did you not?

EB:besides his awful voice and his weird face, yeah I enjoyed it :B

TT: I'm getting an inkling you might've not enjoyed it.

EB: nope i love bleeding out of my ears thanks Rose

TT: So would you like me to send you more links to his music?

TT: I think you'll find his voice almost haunting in this one

TT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

EB: yeah haunting

EB: haunting my dreams more like!

TT: Although I can definitely agree Dave Strider is completely graceless and devoid of humility, I don't understand why you loathe his songs so much?

EB: his voice is annoying and he has that stupid southern accent!

TT: What do you have against southern accents if I may ask?

EB: They remind too much of walmart

EB: Aka the porcelain toilet bowl of humanity

EB: Where I'm pretty sure he was conceived

TT: As much I'd like to indulge you in your Walmart fantasies, my mother is

calling for me.

EB: ok bye!

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 19:23

You frown, or grimace maybe. You grimace in pure, unadulterated hatred of the annoying pale, shaded face staring at you from across the screen, not that he was literally staring since he was in a screen of course. Perhaps you were being a bit dramatic though, you supposed you simply had a strong disliking for him. Hatred is a bit much. Thinking to how you could share you dislike with the world, you clicks open a new browser tab and formulates a plan that only a genius such as yourself could formulate. You type in Dave Strider's fansite address, and grin a little, excited for the hell you're sure you're about to unleash.

This was sort of a favorite pass time of yours, trolling around on Dave's fansite. His fans all seemed to be tween girls or mothers well into their thirties- the type who typically enjoy Fifty Shades of Gray. Nonetheless, you found great satisfaction in angering their stupid love for Dave Strider.

When did you even begin to dislike Dave? Who knows, maybe when you entered high school or something. That seemed to be what any girl your age talked about at the time. (At least when it came to music). They all fawned over how he was available, had 'perfect' hair and a 'perfect' face, to match his oh so _perfect_ body and mediocre voice. So after hearing enough about all this, you looked him up- and within seconds realized what an arrogant pile of dog crap he was! You also found out he was 6'2" and was from Texas, which seemed to be where he got that overdone obviously fake Southern twang. You were only slightly jealous that he was the same age as yourself and was about a head taller than you, but you'd never admit that.

Now that you were sort of almost done with junior year, your dislike for him grew with each passing second, possibly millisecond and has been growing ever since Freshman year. Okay that's still a little over the top, but you still wished he would cease to exist from the media's eye more than ever. The way he never smiled, only smirked, and always had those dumb shades on just bothered you to the core. Unless he was _blind_ , which he clearly wasn't, there should be no excuse to wear shades inside.

So with a crack of your knuckles, you typed in your username and password (you know, pathetic to actually have an account on this godforsaken website, but that was only way to get in), and went to the most recent message board, which was titled, 'Why do you think Dave Strider is so great?' You snort a little, and scroll down to the very bottom, glancing at the comments, and began to write your own;

_DeckedOutGhost says: <Dave Strider is a jerk that serves no purpose in society other than to be annoying and offer shade to his fans with his massive hairy butt. He is 98% ass and 2% dick.> _

You post the comment with immense satisfaction. Typically you don't enjoy anonymous name calling, but when it came to such blithering egotistical jerks like Dave, you found you couldn't really care less. Conveniently only moments later, you get a reply.

_TheGodlyWorm says: <lol are you obssessed with his asshole are some shit? That's some fucked up shit man.> _

You frown, realizing now it probably sounds like you're infatuated with Dave's ass or something, which you are most certainly _not._

_DeckedOutGhost says: <Wtf are you talking about? Who in their right mind would want Dave's ass anywhere near them? That's some grossness I want no part of!> _

There was a ping barely seconds later.

_TheGodlyWorm says: <Are you allergic to looking at damn fine asses or something? Because that's what I'm getting from this. Because Dave has one fine ass.> _

You groan, what the hell was this person talking about? You'd never even thought about looking at Dave's ass, let alone thinking it was anywhere close to fine.

_DeckedOutGhost says: <Are you allergic to actual decent people? Dave is a total loser so my only conclusion is that you must be.> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <My god you're a complete fucking dumbass aren't you? He's obviously doing this whole thing to be ironic. But of course a dumbass wouldn't notice that.> _

You couldn't help but be somewhat offended over this person's last comment. You were positive you weren't a dumbass.

_DeckedOutGhost says: <Doesn't change anything. He's still awful. Plus why does he wear those shades? There's no purpose.> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <Are you fucking with me right now? I literally just explained it to you. He does all of this shit to be ironic. Are you really that much of a dumbfuck to not know that?> _

Now you were _positive_ that you were in fact not a dumbfuck.

_DeckedOutGhost says: <Who in their right mind would ever want to know that stuff about Dave Strider? He's just some dumbass 17 year old with 99% of his dick shoved into his personality :B> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <Um according to his most popular video, about 6-7 million gives several shits about him. Also there you go thinking about what's under his pants again you fucking perv.> _

_DeckedOutGhost says: <since his dick is likely only .001 cm long because the rest is shoved into his personality i assure you I dot give a crap about whats under his pants. yeah? Well jesus only had 12 followers and he got wayyyyy moe done and even had a book written about him unlike dave's shallow and useless self.> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <My god you sure think about his dick a lot don't you? I'm getting uncomfortable here by the sheer amount of undertone of eroticism you display through your comments.> _

You felt frustrated with TheGodlyWorm, your comments are frustrating you to no end. You know they're probably just an internet troll like you, and despite your years of being exposed to internet trolls, it still somehow managed to get under your skin.

_DeckedOutGhost says: <you think i get a hard on from his micropenis? i think youre the one who gets a raging stiffy from the way you talk about him like he's some god to be revered.> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <Hey I mean he's pretty great, but not that great, so no, I assure you that you're the only one to get a pathetically small stiffy from him.> _

_DeckedOutGhost says: <are you implying that while Dave doesn't give you a pathetically small stiffy, that other things do make your pathetically small weiner rise to the occasion? hehe thats kinda sad dude> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <Ew first you want to know about Dave's dick and now you want to know about mine? What kind of sick and twisted creep are you? I bet you whack off to tentacle porn. I could see you being the type to do some sick shit like that.> _

You growl a little. How dare he insinuate that you spend your free time doing such vile things like whack off to tentacle porn!? You may be weird but not that weird.

_DeckedOutGhost says: <listen you brought up the whole boner thing so I'm more concerned over you fretting over my dick than me fretting over yours. really? tentacle porn was the first thing to come to mind? I bet it's because you secretly do it all the time- whack off to tentacle porn that is. I bet you like it really graphic too, with loads of suction cups don't you...> _

_TheGodlyWorm says: <So we've both established we have dicks, so unless I've suddenly become a raging homo interested in dickwads I don't see why I'd fancy going anywhere near your impossibly and most likely microscopic dick. Why the hell are you talking about suction cups, I feel like throwing up. You've violated my mind, popped my mental cherry you disgusting vile piece of rectum.> _

You hear your dad shout that dinner, and possibly even dessert is ready, followed by a sound of something shattering in the kitchen. You groan, not remotely in the mood for his confections. You write one last comment which is;

_DeckedOutGhost says: <i wouldnt be surprised if you were a raging homosexual, the way you seem to worship Dave's ass! ew that is the grossest metaphor I've ever heard. now youve popped my mental cherry for having popped your mental cherry. also talk to me on my pesterchum; ectoBiologist. I want to convince you how much of a dick Dave Strider is> _

With that, you turns off your computer and head out of your room, unprepared for the onslaught of confection and fatherly love that's about to be stuffed down your gullet.


	2. John --> Talk to TG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets the enigma that is turntechGodhead.

You felt proud of yourself. For the first time since...well you couldn’t remember the last time this happened, you dodged your dad’s incredibly spongy Betty Crocker cake. You told him you weren’t all that hungry so he set the cake aside, and you couldn’t feel prouder of your clever lie. You almost felt unstoppable. If you could lie about not being hungry, then what else could you lie about? This power was almost too much.

You walk up the stairs, and head back into your room, admiring Nic Cage’s beautiful face and his powerful nose plastered on your wall, specifically from the movie Ghost Rider (the first one of course). You weren’t sure you’d ever get tired of him and his perfection. But your distraction was split when you heard an onslaught of pings coming from your computer, and decided to check it out. You moved the mouse around so the computer would wake up, and saw the pings were coming from your pesterchum. You were surprised to see someone new messaging you; probably that guy from that Dave Strider fansite, considering all your other friends were usually idle or offline at this time.

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 23:15 -

TG: Hey it’s me, TheGodlyWorm

TG: From that badass Dave Strider fansite

EB: youre stupid if you think that’s badass

EB: since youre a guy and seems to be infatuated with Dave I would say youre extremely homo

TG: The hell. You don’t have to want his dick to see how great of a guy Dave is

TG: Why do you keep accusing me of being homo? Usually the accuser is actually the accused

EB: just calling it as i see it

TG: You said you’d prove why Dave is such a dumbass. So far you’re doing the exact opposite of what you intended to do.

EB: first off a) he’s from texas

TG: What’s so bad about texas?

EB: b) he never removes those shades

EB) c) ive never seen him smile just smirk aka number 1 sign of a douche

TG: You’re a dumbass. I already told you, he does this shit to be ironic

EB: d) he tries to be ironic and fails

EB: e) he seems arrogant! i mean i get it hes 17 and pretty famous but hes let it go way too far to his head and someone needs to pop his ego. it’s like a malignant tumor!

TG: Did you just compare his ego to a tumor. My grandma has a tumor and she’s about to die in two days. How do you feel now you fuckwit

EB: oh

EB: im so sorry!!

TG: I don’t actually have a grandma, just testing to see how much of an ass you are

EB: think I might hate you more than Dave

TG: Lucky me. Where’s my prize?

EB: you can eat my crap if you want!!

TG: I’ll kick your ass first

EB: while you trip over my crap

TG: Sounds fair enough.

EB: what age are you?

EB: just so I know im not talking to some 40 year old

TG: I’m 5

EB: are you serious omg

TG: What the hell do you think

TG: I’m 17

EB: yeah same

EB: just turned 17 last week actually

EB: What country are you from?

TG: Happy late birthday

TG: and North Pole

TG: Get to talk with Santa and shit

TG: He gives me candy and toys while I’m up there

EB: thanks! haha good to know

EB: im from america

TG: What state?

EB: washington.

TG: Sucks for you, heard it rains a lot there. I’m from Texas.

EB: Oooh like you’re mancrush Dave Strider

TG: This will be the first and last time I tell you, Dave is not my mancrush. He’s just a great guy I admire a ton

EB: sounds like a mancrush to me

EB: here since you told me your mancrush ill tell you mine

TG: Please don’t

EB: It’s Nic Cage

TG: You’re kidding

TG: Nic Cage doesn’t know how to act to save his life.

TG: If someone held a gun to his head and told him to act properly he would get killed

TG: Since he can’t act to save his life

EB: Take that back you monster. Nic Cage is a god

TG: Oh yeah? Do you know he has a son, who he obviously doesn’t give a singular shit about

EB: no wtf hes very supportive of his children. why do you know he has kids if you don’t like him

TG: He looks constipated in all his photos with his son. Do you honestly think he likes being around him

TG: Be completely fucking honest, no bs

EB: no he looks very happy with him

TG: You’re a dumbass

EB: creative insult

EB: totally never heard that one before!

TG: It’s because it’s true. You’re a total dumbass

EB: sorry couldnt hear you

EB: might have to say it again

TG: That was a lame attempt at sarcasm. Don’t try it again

EB: me? sarcastic? noooo

TG: So you sarcastic little shit, what’s your name?

EB: if you MUST know...its John

TG: That was somehow anticlimactic

EB: whats yours?

TG: Can’t tell you. If we ever meet in person I’ll tell you though

EB: thats oddly suspicious

EB: what about if we webcam?

TG: Nah, it’d be better if we met in person.

EB: you sure youre not some gay pedophile coming to snatch me?

TG: Whoa, you’re right! I just checked my birth record and it said I’m 40! Not 17! Wow sure fucked up that one

EB: okay okay i was just asking a question! jeez

TG: Nah but really, if I ever do happen to meet you in real life, then I’ll tell you my name.

EB: haha aren’t you jumping ahead too much?

EB: We barely started talking like 2 hours ago and you’re already saying we’ll meet in person :B

TG: I’m not saying shit you gumwad. I’m just saying, if it ever does happen...You can refer to me TG for now though

EB: um okay? thats weird

EB: I guess ill call you TG

EB: you know this convo really spiraled out of control. what we were even talking about?

TG: We were talking about how amazing Dave Strider is

EB: aah of course we were! because I would do that

TG: Yup you would

TG: Here, he just released a new song. Listen to it.

EB: ...

EB: yup still hate him but a little less though since he seemed to actually show a little emotion in this song

TG: See, you’re going to hate him less and less until suddenly bam

TG: You’re obviously homo ass is lusting after his dick

EB: why would only my ass be gay why not my whole body

EB: cmon TG gotta use your brain

TG: You get what I mean Johnny boy

EB: hey well listen mystery (maybe)pedo I have to go take a shower and go to bed so ill talk to you tomorrow

TG: Alright, talk to you later.

EctoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:32 -

You sit in front of his computer, and crack your knuckles. You decide whoever this person that you’re talking to is a complete ass, but one you can tolerate. You have your suspicions about why he’s so obsessed with Dave but you’ll keep them to yourself (the primary suspicion being that he actually is Dave Strider, which you think would make you laugh your ass off if that ended up being true, because really, what 17 year old year old boy is that obsessed with Dave?). Snapping yourself out of your very humorous thought you stand up and grabs some pajamas, and walk over to the bathroom to take a shower, ready to get prepared for a good nights rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry I haven't posted in a while, mental health has kind of been subpar and been conflicting with my motivation on most things, but it's okay because I've written about six chapters so far so it won't go without updates or a while! Thank you a ton for those that reviewed and let me know what you think or how I could improve :) Love you all!


	3. Chapter 3

You wake up, and rub your eyes and look around for your eye drops to help with your bothersome allergies that no matter what medicine you took, always seem to be around every spring. You get up, stretch your arms, and cross the room, grabbing you eye drops, and squeeze the infernal eye drops into your eyes, flinching a little as it began to sting. But what had to be done had to be done, as they always say. Who the hell is ‘they’ anyways? What a terrible quote you think. Oh well, at least your eyes don’t look as red as last night’s homemade rendition of pizza, now leaving you to find your glasses. Which are conveniently who the hell knows where. You feels your phone vibrate in your pajama pocket and you wonder who it could be so you take it out of your pocket and find a text from Jade and squint hard to read what it says.

 

-gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:55-

GG: Did you have a dream about it last night??

EB: About what?

GG: About your true love!!!

EB: i dont know what youre talking about haha

GG: Of course you do, you just don’t remember it silly!! :) 

EB: hehe if i had a true love im sure i would know about it

GG: I guess you’ll just have to wait and see!! >:)

GG: Anyways do you wanna see a movie with me and Karkat later?

EB: Which one?

GG: I wanna see a horror movie but karkat doesn’t really want to! :/

EB: Can we see something funny?

GG: Yeah let me ask Karkat!

GG: He got really mad and said comedy movies are as interesting as staring at paint dry!!

EB: We should watch Scream 4!

EB: He’d get so mad hehe

GG: He doesn’t know what that is and he says as long as it isn’t comedy or horror he’s okay with it

GG: He’s gonna flip out when he finds out what it’s about!

GG: >:(

EB: It’ll be funny though.

EB: Which theater?

GG: The one nearby our school

GG: We’ll meet there at 11 since that’s when the movie starts!!

EB: Okay sounds good, see you then!

 -ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:01-

 

You shove your phone back into your pocket and decide to get ready, figuring you really need to find your glasses before you did anything, considering you kind of need them to see. Fortunately, you find them in a relatively short amount of time in a hidden space in your sock drawer. They must’ve fallen in there you figure, unless there was a ghost haunting your house that specifically did not want you to see. Which was what you would probably do if you were a ghost. Prank the hell out of everyone who happened to be around.

 

You got ready, changing into your day clothes which consist of a jacket since it was still spring and thus would still be chilly, and afterwards, you slurp down your cereal before your dad could come into the kitchen and offer some routine cake to you. Which he still did regardless of the fact you just had some hearty Cheerios, but thankfully he didn’t push you like he usually did to eat the cake. You were eternally grateful.

 

“Hey dad,” you said, washing your bowl out, “I’m gonna go see a movie with Jade and Karkat at 11 by the school.”

 

“Which movie?” Your dad asks, looking up from his newspaper.

 

“Scream 4.”

 

Your dad’s smile twists into a frown, “I don’t know how you kids can watch that. Have fun though!” He gets up and ruffles your hair, messing it up quite successfully much to your annoyance.

 

“Dad please don’t do that,” You grumble, trying to pat down your now unkempt looking hair. You don’t know why he always felt the need to do that, it made you look even messier than you intended it to be and that was not the look you were going for!

 

“God wouldn’t have made you with such fluffy hair if it wasn’t made to be messed with,” your dad jokes, opening the fridge to put some creamer in his coffee.

 

“What does God have to do with my hair? You just like messing with it.” You roll your eyes. Speaking of god, you wonder what your new, friend/enemy/acquaintance or whatever he was turntechGodhead was up to right now? Probably sleeping. He seemed like that kind of person.

 

“True that son, true that,” Your dad sort of chuckles, returning to his seat at the table, now this time with a coffee. You then hear a rev of an engine outside and peek through the kitchen curtain and to your surprise saw a sleek black car outside, which you know belongs to Jade’s grandma, which Jade fortunately knew how to drive, having gotten her permit and license as soon as she possibly could.

 

“Hey dad Jade’s here, I have to go!” You wave, and turn off the sink faucet, quickly setting your bowl in the dishwasher and grabbing a twenty dollar bill from your dad’s rainy day jar. He waves back and you jog outside, slamming the door behind you. You cross the front yard, the little garden gnomes your dad placed last week freaking you out, motivating you to go faster.

 

You jump into the back seat, since Karkat was already in the car, and you say, “Hey thanks for the pick up! I thought we were meeting there.”

 

“Jade thought you shouldn’t walk so far so she dragged me all the way here just to pick you up,” Karkat grumbles, the eye roll almost visible in his voice.

 

Ignoring Karkat’s complaint, Jade asks, “Who’s ready to see Scream 4?”

 

“I heard it was really good! I wanted to see it for my birthday but my dad insisted that we saw Insidious instead.” You try not to shiver but it happens anyways. The movie made you sleep with your lights on the night you saw it. You kept expecting the demon from the movie to pop out of your closet, or for yourself to randomly start astral projecting, neither of which thankfully did not happen. Although this did remind you of the potential glasses-moving ghost haunting your house.

 

“Well it better be good or next time we see a movie I’m not going,” Karkat threatens, which you and Jade both ignore knowing very well he would go with you two regardless of how bad it was.

 

After that the conversation spirals into a story about Jade’s dog and how her dog had ran away again, but was found only a few days later eating out of her neighbor's trashcan much to her neighbors dismay, because inside the trash were several divorce papers from the neighbors now ex-husband and many torn love letters from said divorcee's ex-husband. You weren’t sure how these kinds of things continuously happened to Jade, when your life was always so boring, just a constant routine of homework, movies, and tomfoolery from your dad. Some people were just like that you suppose, just more interesting than others. Which is likely why Jade makes friends so much more easily than you, with her natural charisma and exciting tales, while your stories hardly garner much attention, understandably, as they usually aren't that exciting or captivating.

 

Snapping out of your self-piteous reverie, you all reach the movie theaters in a surprisingly short amount of time, thanks to the lack of traffic likely due to it being before noon on a Saturday of all days, and you all climb out and go inside and buy your tickets.

 

“I call sitting in the back.” Karkat says, as you got your popcorn.

 

“Fine, me and John will sit in the middle, right John?” Jade assures, batting her eyelashes hopefully, despite knowing you would already say yes, and you do, not minding where you sit.

 

“Whatever. If I get bored from the actual shartstain this movie will be just wake me up when it’s over.” Karkat commands, grabbing his popcorn and lathering it in butter.

 

You all buy your food and drinks and walk into the dark theater, Karkat taking a seat as he previously mentioned in the back, you and Jade sitting directly in the middle. As you were settling into the movie you realize you forgot to turn off your phone as you feel it vibrate against your leg. You silently curse and try to get it out of you pocket as subtly as you could, checking to see who had texted you. Much to your surprise it’s TG as you were so lovingly told to call him.

 

-turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:20-

 TG: ‘sup dude

 

You turn down the brightness and hold your phone as close to your thigh as you could, hoping Jade won’t get curious and read over your shoulder as she often has a tendency to do.

 

EB: just watching Scream 4 with some friends!

TG: Spoiler alert but everybody dies

EB: heeey unfair

TG: Jk I haven’t seen the movie yet

TG: What’s going on in it?

EB: right now the main character is just self-promoting her book nothing exciting yet.

EB: unless thats exciting for you?

EB: Get it haha because i was saying you dont have a life.

TG: Wow I almost laughed

TG: It was almost funnier than the insults you come up with

EB: need some ice for that buuuurn

TG: I think the ice from your heart will suffice

EB: wow...that was cold!

TG: Did you just make a pun

 

You feel a nudge against your shoulder and you look up to find Jade staring suspiciously at you, one brow raised, “Who’re you texting?”

 

You glance down at your phone then back up at Jade, “No one, I was just about to turn off my phone.”

 

Jade’s mouth twitches up a little and she looked even more dubious than before, “I had a dream about this last night you know.” She turns back to the movie, not giving any further explanation to what she just said.

 

EB: yep i did so deal with it

EB: oh and I have to go watch a movie so text you later!

TG: See ya

TG: Or rather text you later

-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 11:29-

 

You turn off your phone and return to the movie, not having paid attention to the last five minutes, figuring you’d probably catch up pretty quickly.

 

After the movie finishes, the two of you get up and you do indeed find Karkat in the farthest row sound asleep, even a little drool sticking to his hoodie. Jade shakes him awake much to his displeasure and you all leave to go eat at a burger place next door, Karkat burning a hole into your heads the whole way there, likely for disturbing his rest.

 

“So,” Jade starts, looking over at you, “Who was that in the theater that you were texting? Got some girlfriend we don’t know about?”

 

You stupidly feel heat spread to your face and you shake your head, “No not at all! It’s nothing like that. I just made a new friend.”

 

“When will we meet this ‘new friend’ hmm?” Jade asks, you unsure if she was genuinely curious or trying to get a rise out of you based on her implicit tone.

 

You shrug, “I dunno, I met him on a website, I don’t know when or if I’ll meet him anytime soon.”

 

“Ooh so it’s a boy? Is there something you’re not telling us John?” Jade teases, making your face heat up further much to your displeasure.

 

“No - he’s just my friend, stop making it weird!” You were pretty sure your voice was getting to octaves you haven’t reached since your voice started cracking, and you weren’t sure why you felt so nervous at the mention of liking TG, it’s not like you were gay or anything. You figure no one really likes the insinuation that they’re gay though, thus reasoning that your reaction to Jade’s implications were reasonable.

 

“I’m not making it weird John! If anything I think you’re the only one here reacting so much, right Karkat?” Jade asks.

 

Karkat grunts in agreement behind you. You roll your eyes and mutter, “Oh you got me, I’m completely gay for someone I met online like 2 days ago who I don’t even know the name or face of.”

 

“Where’d you meet him?”

 

You look anywhere but Jade asking, “Does it really matter?”

 

Her brows fly into her hairline, “Don’t tell me you met him on a dating website.”

 

“No, why would I do that, I’m not that desperate!” Your complaint comes out more like a whine and you huff, “If you must know, I was trolling around on a Dave Strider fan site and met him on there.” Realizing what you just confessed to you hear Karkat cackle behind you and you slap a hand to your face and groan.

 

“John I knew you were lonely but I did not expect you to be so lonely as to do that!” Jade gasps, covering her mouth with a hand.

 

“I was bored! Can we go inside now? We’re at the restaurant.” You know Jade is burning with questions with the way she was looking at you, but you find that food tends to shut her up and that’s what you desperately need her to be doing right now.

 

The three of you enter and are quickly seated, and get your orders in places only for them to arrive at your table not even five minutes later, you suppose due to lunch hour probably having just finished. Karkat orders a Pepsi and Jade ordered a Coke, of course sending the two of them into a fierce argument about which was better, which neither won, since it was all based on opinion of course. You just sit there sipping on your coffee and water the whole time. You think you’re starting to turn into your dad, with the rate you need caffeine these days.

 

Once you all finish you walk back to Jade’s car and instead of having a movie night marathon like you usually do at Jade’s house every Saturday night, Jade has to help her grandmother renovate the guest room for some family friends, so she instead just dropped you and Karkat off at your respective houses.

 

“Goodbye John, it was fun spending time with you!” Jade calls as you hop out, back onto the familiarity of your front lawn.

 

“Thanks Jade, it was fun spending time with you too, see you next time!” You wave her off as she drove away, turning around just in time to see the sunset sprawled out in soft pinks and oranges over the evening sky. If your phone camera wasn’t so awful you were sure that’d make for a nice picture.

 

You cross the lawn, the sinister gnomes grinning devilishly at you the whole way there, and you unlock the front door, greeted by your dad tidying something up a few feet away. “Oh hello John,” your dad looks up from whatever he was folding, “How was the movie?”

 

“It was pretty good, funnier than I expected.” You took your shoes off by the door and set your keys on the shelf a couple feet away, “I think I’m gonna go upstairs and start on my homework though.”

 

“Glad you had fun, good luck with your homework son.” With that you were dismissed, and you run up to your bedroom and immediately go on to your computer, wiggling the mouse around again to turn it on. You were surprised to find you were still logged into the Dave Strider fan site and remember you forgot to message TG back after the movie. You open up pesterchum and open up his chat and immediately start pestering him.

 

-ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:15-

EB: hey im back

EB: people think i met you on a dating website

TG: how was it

TG: oh yeah we’re totally gay for each other didn’t you get the memo

EB: it was good!! but a lot less people died than i wouldve expected

EB: oh was that you who was staring at me through my window last night

EB: because if it was you stop that we’re not even on second base yet!

TG: did you want people to die or something you sicko

TG: no I was the one in your closet, do I have competition?

TG: the one outside your window was probably also me now that I think about it, hope you don’t mind

EB: no i didn’t, it just would make it funnier if they did

EB: i do mind actually, there’s an order to these things

EB: you have to see someone’s face before you stalk them, otherwise how do you know how to stalk them!! silly TG

TG: Dude if you think people dying is funny you should check yourself into a mental hospital, I’m really concerned

TG: Who’s saying I don’t know your face

EB: are you actually concerned?

EB: because if you are that’s kind of sweet

EB: okay if you know my face what does it look like

TG: pshhh

TG: okay you probably have glasses

TG: cuz you’re a nerd

TG: I feel like you’re kind of short

EB: aw you are concerned aren’t you

EB: wow um i actually do have glasses that’s weird

EB: hey! i am not short, i’m average height

TG: I mean duh i have to be if I’m apparently your boyfriend

TG: your friends with benefits

TG: the love of your life

TG: the loin of your cloth

TG: wait how tall are you, you’re like 5’2” aren’t you

EB: aw thanks! Haha

EB: wait what the loin of your cloth uhhhhhhh

EB: um noooo i’m 5’7” i’m basically average height

EB: i bet you’re like a midget and you’re really jealous right now

TG: I have a sister who likes to read don’t ask

TG: I mean i won’t stop you from asking but i’d advise against it, shit gets weird

TG: wow dude you’re shorter than my dead grandpa’s withered dick

TG: no I’m actually 6’2”

EB: you have a sister?

EB: no way

EB: how does she put up with you

EB: ummmmm do you spend time looking at his dick or something

EB: no way that’s really tall you’re like a giant! You probably terrify children

TG: yeah we’re not blood related though

TG: um why don’t you ask her she has a chumhandle

TG: she just looked over my shoulder and says she knows you or some shit

TG: hell yeah I terrify children they’re all annoying as fuck

EB: no way what is it

EB: that’d be really weird if she knew me

EB: what if i was a child, would i still be annoying as fuck??

TG: her chumhandle is tentacleTherapist

TG: the hell? if you were a child we would not be talking about being boyfriends

TG: that’s some nasty shit

EB: no way i’ve known her for years!!!! Tell her John Egbert says hi

EB: um you don’t think we’re actually boyfriends do you

TG: she says hi and i’m not that much of a dipshit obviously that was a joke

TG: wow your last name is egbert?

TG: eg...derp

TG: also I have to go bye

-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB} at 17:06-

 

You weren’t sure if TG was mad or something, but you found that good bye to be pretty abrupt. Maybe he really just had to leave right then and there, not like you knew though, no point in worrying you think. Also Rose is TG’s sister?! This whole time you never knew Rose even had a sibling, let alone a brother the same age as her. You knew Rose was born in New York, now living in Texas, but it almost seems like too big of a coincidence that they happened to be related. You also find it a little funny how opposite of each other they are, just based on the previous conversations they’ve had. Your curiosity growing stronger, you decide to pester Rose about it.

 

-ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:08-

EB: hey rose

EB: you’re turntechGodhead’s sister?

TT: Yes it so happens that we are related, although not by blood.

EB: no way

EB: this whole time i didn’t know you had any siblings!

TT: Well I do, although he is rather bothersome now that you mention it, although analyzing him oftentimes does prove to be quite an interesting albeit difficult feat.

EB: whats he like

EB: whats his name he hasnt told me anything

TT: I’d assume since you two are now becoming friends he’d tell you when he feels comfortable. It’s not my position to tell you for him.

TT: Although I will tell you he’s not what you’d expect.

EB: awww cmon Rose really? The only thing i know about him is that he’s tall and the same age as me

EB: what if he has like

EB: a hunchback

EB: or he’s albino

TT: If that’s all he wants you to know for now, then that’s that I’m afraid. Sorry John.

TT: My mother needs my help with something, presumably to help her up the stairs after quite a drinking session she just had.

EB: it’s fine thanks Rose

EB: oh god i hope she’s okay!!

TT: Thank you for being understanding, and I think she will be, she tends to do this a lot. Enjoy your night.

 -tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:15-

 

You sigh and logout of your pesterchum, figuring you actually have some homework you have to get to before you lost the motivation to do it. You grab a pencil and your precalculus homework from your backpack and start on it, trying your hardest to concentrate but finding it difficult, only able to think that the mystery that is TG might be a 6’2” albino hunchback and you would have no idea. You’d have to figure out a way to find out who TG really is if you were ever going to be friends.

 

You quit after 10 ten minutes and decide you’ve earned a well deserved break and so you go downstairs to fetch some popcorn and get a movie from your vast collection. Precalculus will do things to a guy like you and you had a feeling Liv Tyler would do just the trick, and soon enough you found the popcorn bowl empty and you felt content and decide now would be a better time than any to sleep, so you do, the sound of Liv Tyler’s voice helping you drift off into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been taking so long lately, I've had to give school and my mental health a priority, as both areas have been kind of plummeting, but I've been taking steps to take care of both, so those of you that are reading, don't worry, I will actually be updating much faster now! Please tell me what you think, if John's out of character, or if there's something I've done poorly or could improve on! Advice or comments always help me out!

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is ufomoth so if you ever have questions, you can 100% reach me there!


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